Bulan Agustus sudah mau berakhir. Gue punya banyak waktu untuk diri sendiri bulan ini. Mulai dari olahraga yang lebih rutin, hiburan dan kerjaan yang lumayan seimbang, dan masih ada sisa energi untuk belajar hal baru atau berkhayal. Terdengar bahagia dan sempurna? Gak juga. Gue beberapa kali marah, sampe akhirnya memutuskan buat bikin Master List of Anger alias list kemarahan, saking keselnya. That would be the topic this time.
Gue merasa gue cukup quick-tempered alias gampang marah. Kemarahan besar gue di bulan Agustus ditrigger oleh subjek yang sangat gue kenal, tapi personally gue ga nyaman dan ga suka dengan individu ini. But I could not do anything, so I had to find ways to vent out.
When the incident happened, I had extra negative energy flowing and extra time. Gue spontan melakukan hal yang sebenernya bukan hal baru: bikin Master List of Anger.
Niat awalnya mungkin mau merasionalisasi kenapa marah, padahal harusnya ga perlu marah. Kenapa kecewa, padahal dah tau daridulu subjeknya begitu-begitu aja. Kenapa nangis, padahal peduli atau sayang pun ngga. Ini nangisin effort diri sendiri yang sia-sia atau apa? Demand gue apa? Demand gue bisa ada follow-upnya ga? Atau terlalu ga realistis?
It turned out to be a very good decision. Beberapa hari kemudian, gue lihat lagi tabel yang gue tulis, gue jadi bisa berpikir lebih jernih.
Gue harus mau mengakui kalau gue nangisin atau marah sama diri sendiri, karena 'jatuh' ke perangkap yang sama. Kalau seperti ini, berarti gue yang harus memperbaiki cara menghadapinya, bukan nyalahin orang lain. Atau gue harus mau mengakui kalau itu reaksi spontan. Gue cuma mau tau alasannya aja sih. The list worked well for me.
Setelah share ini, ada beberapa hal yang gue sadari.
- Korporat banget pake sheet
Ada user Twitter yang reply seperti ini, lalu gue jadi teringat. Sebenernya nulis tabel penyebab kemarahan dan kekecewaan bukan hal baru. Gue terbiasa melakukan hal yang sama, bedanya terbatas untuk kemarahan dan kekecewaan terhadap institusi/event. Tiap summer break, gue punya excel file yang isinya Start-Stop-Continue untuk kegiatan gue pas liburan kali itu. Start isinya feedback soal hal-hal yang pengen gue lihat di kesempatan berikutnya. Stop isinya hal-hal yang gue ga suka, Continue isinya hal-hal yang gue apresiasi/suka. Framework seperti ini sangat nyaman untuk dibagikan ke penyelenggara atau manager, karena (menurut gue) ga terlalu emosional. Isinya bukan komplain yang marah-marah atau sedih doang, tapi bantu yang baca untuk review program tersebut.
So I guess the habit grows in me. 2019-2020 gue stop semua ini karena gue terlalu lelah dengan realita. Looking back, 2020 was actually very draining for me. Menakutkan juga deng, I had to be someone else buat menuhin demand. Gue cuma nulis pake word file kalau udah bener-bener stuck. Masih pake framework sih, tapi kalo dibaca ulang, isinya lebih emosional. I did not share this file with the respective people, they would not listen. Although I showed it to my ex-boss, yang sebenarnya merasakan hal-hal serupa tapi memilih untuk tidak mengkomunikasikannya atas alasan profesionalisme. (I would say it's a cultural thing, feedback is not appreciated at where I worked before) - I grew up full of anger, it might be part of my personality
Tanpa terlalu detail karena nanti jadi kaya novel, saat gue kecil, gue merasa ga didengarkan oleh orang-orang yang gue mau. I had my teachers paying full attention to me. I had my aunt who took care of me and became a good friend of mine. Tapi I demanded more. I wanted my parents to be present, when they simply could not.
I reached out to as many people as possible, atas pemikiran yang sangat sederhana. I saw myself as a victim. I was a young kid, I needed love and affection. I wanted things that make sense (bukannya minta barang-barang mewah atau apa). In my point of view, I rationally measured my parents' capability and energy. I concluded that they have the bandwidth to give portion of what I demanded, but they did not. I was done with bluntly asking, I did not get what I want by asking. It did not work out. So I have to find other ways, kan?
Saat itu, prinsipnya simple: gue udah victim, I have to love myself. Ga disayang? Then I have to love myself. Ga dapet uang jajan? Then I have to make my own money. Ga dapet perhatian yang diinginkan? Then I have to prioritize myself. Ntah belajar darimana, I know I have to save myself before saving others.
But doing it was not easy, I was mad, angry, sad and disappointed that I had to do things that my peers did not have to. I went through a long phase of envy, too! Anger, and being angry most of the time, is part of the process. Anger somehow was more accepted than tears. Soalnya kalo marah, cuma dimarahin "Kenapa ga sopan, ga ada etika lalala"
In which, I agreed that I was being an asshole tapi namanya lagi marah-marah, siapa peduli. Kalo nangis, terus dimarahin kenapa harus nangis, kenapa emosional, lalala, gue ga bisa diterima. I think being sad was not a mistake. Why did I get scolded for crying? For being sad? For feeling things?
Endingnya ya lebih marah daripada sedih. Quickly, anger ini berubah jadi keegoisan, ketidakpedulian. Tentu dapat cacian. Dibilang jahat, ga peka, ga bisa komunikasi, all my achievements are worthless because I was acting like an asshole dan sebagainya. Orang yang berkata mungkin ga tahu (dan clearly ga peduli) kalau ini coping mechanism gue. They don't have to know. I was on a mission of saving myself, bukan pleasing others. - I find comfort in writing
I learned very early kalau kita ga bisa maksa orang atau keadaan untuk ikutin demand kita. Solusi lain ya rubah caranya, rubah demandnya, rubah mindsetnya. Orang gamau dengerin gue, then I asked myself, why do I want to be heard?
Oh ternyata mau dimengerti. Kenapa mau dimengerti? Karena darisitu dapat penghiburan. Tapi kalau orangnya cuma dengerin, tanpa mau mengerti, malah endingnya jadi blame (berbalik arah dari apa yang gue pengen)? Oh ternyata itu lebih menyakitkan, karena itu bawa gue ke realita baru: orang ga ngerti gue, ga sayang gue, dan ribuan asumsi lain.
Dari situ, gue merasa ga perlu maksa orang buat dengerin gue. Gue punya dua alternatif. Bikin orang ingin mendengarkan gue atau cara lain buat mendapatkan consolation: tulis. Gue punya minat baca dan keingintahuan yang tinggi, tapi gue melihat orang disekitar gue tidak seperti itu. Orang susah relate sama ketertarikan gue. Gue jadi punya kesimpulan: people would read only if they want to. Sama kaya listening sih, bedanya ga perlu real time atau jadi conversation kan kalo reading.
So I began to write. Awalnya karena pengen dibaca, atas keyakinan eventually the people I target would read it. It was the beginning of this blog. It was a home for my piled-up anger. Saat temen-temen gue baca, gue tahu mereka ga relate dengan masalah hidup gue, tapi gue merasa mereka bisa mulai paham kenapa temennya ini full of anger. Atau seengganya the thought of being heard was a good form of consolation to me.
Tapi lama-lama, it becomes a habit. I write because I want to help people. Saat google mulai booming, gue sering cari informasi dari blog-blog orang. Strangers, through their blogs, taught me how to start a business, where to find the cheapest goods, how to register for the school of my dream, how to go to places (back then belom ada google maps, jadi gue harus google rute transjakarta, rute kereta terpisah buat pergi ke tempat-tempat di Jakarta dan mengandalkan paragraf orang). Jadilah gue ingin mengembalikan bantuan yang gue terima dengan cara gue sendiri.
Accidentally, Youtube algorithm brought me to Taeha's psychological counseling, yang masih nyambung dengan akar dari Master List of Anger gue.
Taeha ini anak pertama dari 3 bersaudara yang terus dirundung rasa tanggung jawab untuk membantu orang tuanya dan menjaga adiknya. Dia memandang semua perlawanan terhadap tanggung jawab tersebut sebagai sebuah kejahatan, meskipun sebenarnya itu bukan tugasnya. Worse, dia merasa bersalah karena kadang, dia ga bisa berfungsi 100% untuk menggantikan ayahnya.
Saddest part of the 1st clip: merasa bersalah karena saat ke Lotte World, ada wahana dimana anak kecil harus naik bersama guardian, tapi dia bukan guardian yang layak karena dia sendiri masih anak-anak
Saddest part of the 2nd clip: his drawing on what a family looks like - him doing chores, with siblings
Wah ini bener-bener bawa banyak pelajaran. Mungkin kalau gue lihat ini saat gue masih dalam proses marah-marah, gue bakal nangis deras dan iri. Iri karena at least orang tuanya punya kesadaran untuk pergi ke konselor, terlepas apapun follow-upnya. Hari ini, gue nonton dengan perasaan sedih dan simpatik untuk Taeha. Taeha anak yang baik, dia merasa bersalah saat harus merepotkan mamanya, disaat dia sendiri masih anak-anak. He needs help, he needs to be heard and understood. Ada banyak Taeha diluar sana and I sincerely hope semua bisa dapat saluran yang baik untuk vent out.
Not every parent would have the humility, atau mungkin the financial means or education to come to a counselor. Mine certainly did not. I was badly crying for help that I knocked on every single door. I went to the counselor consultation myself. I had to explain why did I come alone, why my parents were often late in picking up my semester report. Explaining things to the counselor was easier than explaining my circumstances to curious eyes, just like when I registered for middle and high school alone, or when I got to the first braces consultation and the dentist literally screamed at me, "YOU HAVE TO BRING YOUR PARENTS TO THE NEXT APPOINTMENT OR I AM NOT TAKING YOU IN."
Seeing Taeha story, gue bersyukur banget I ended up being a kid full of anger. I know that I am the one who can save myself. Ya damagenya jadi nyebar ke orang sekitar, disaat harusnya mungkin dirasa lebih baik damage sendiri aja. I was, and most likely still am, seen as an egoistic and ill-mannered child. But that way, I learned to stand up for myself and make logical reasonings of the decisions I took. I am proud of the path I chose, instead of jadi yes-man. Sekarang jadi paham kenapa guru-guru gue sangat empathetic ke gue. Kenapa mereka yang bisa fully present untuk gue. I was able to explain myself and they were willing to hear.
These stories will forever be part of me. I am really grateful gue belajar banyak hal bulan Agustus ini. I might never be able to fully let go of the past wounds. Tapi gapapa juga, it's part of me. I grow and develop. It took me years to stop being an angry mad child. It would take an endless journey to be a wiser individual. I am learning everyday and I am not afraid to acknowledge my shortcomings.
Welcome September! Also I will do #GiveBackSeptember, in which I would donate all of my side income in September for the causes that I care about <3
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