Closing 2015

January 1st, 2015, I started the year in Yogyakarta with family members and dearest friend. I couldn't recall my 2015 resolution other than getting the scholarship to Korea and to get back to my high school weight.

I did not really reflect on my year at that time. But looking back, 2014 was really meaningful. I opened up to many people, I built a tighter relationship with the people who love me and I learned to embrace their presences even more (bye solitary life!). In 2014, I realized that my presence did really matter to some people and I learned that I could not (and better not) stand alone. I did many stupid things. I hit bottom rock for several times and my friends were always there, helped me to stand again and even cleaned after my mess. 

Going back to my 2015. On January 2nd, 2015, I witnessed one of my mom's darkest expressions in the airport lounge. She was really stressed that she couldn't smile at all. My acceptance letter to Korean universities successfully ruined her new year.

It supposed to be a happy news. The moment that I had been waiting for years. I just could not understand why she always prayed for 'the best way according to God's plan' rather than direct 'admission to my daughter's dream university'. Later, countless selfish battles happened along the year.

2015 was... the year of letting go?

I left the luxury life in Yogya. I left my family and friends. I left the best roommate that I could ever have. I chose to start a life in a new place with new people. And to stay with a stranger, in a sense. I built a new image, my new identity. I controlled how would people see me, the image of me that they would most likely to perceive. When I boarded the plane to Seoul, I started the journey of being a 'friendly' scholar. The new image that I chose.

Although I lead a happy life being friendly, contrary to the feeling in 2014, I felt left out most of the time.

Many events happened back at home but they most likely think it's irrelevant to me. I lost track of my bro's friends and girlfriends. I had no idea my best friend accompanied my mom for traveling and shopping several times. I was clueless when I saw new taglines or trendy words on social media. If its not shared on social media, I would have no update on my own school, organization, teachers, and friends.

I don't know how important (or how useless?) it is to stay relevant for things that (still or used to) mean a lot to me. Although it feels sad most of the time, I guess its a trade off for my choice.

It is a brilliant trade-off because 2015 was a very selfish year.

I know I am selfish but I had no idea I am THAT selfish. Everything that happens this year was actually all about me. Just now, I protested about feeling left out yet I was grateful most of the time that I was the center of the story. What a contrast.
I am thankful that I was finally known as me, Alira. Not someone's daughter, someone from particular school or someone with something. I had tried so many efforts to get rid of those attributes. This includes the effort to modify my name (that's how my full name always varied by usage and place). To be honest, I did not know I was so greedy for identity... or perhaps greedy for attention?

In summary, 2015 is the year of discovery. I discovered what I really want, who I really am, what my limits are, how I like to live my life and the list goes on. There were also some turning points. Some regrets. Some downfalls but with more rises. Definitely less tears and multiplied laughter.

Thank you, 2015. Never for once I regret my choice to let go and start anew.