Unspoken Words

Well I really dunno how to start this. I'm really excited but I dunno where to begin lol.

I experienced a lot of new things today, in mixed feeling. Started my day by coming earlier than expected to Stasiun Bogor. I spent about 15mins waiting for Metta's Mom to comeback from her youngest child's school for registration. Finally Metta, her mom and I went to Jakarta by taking the 8.13 train.

In the midst of waiting for the train to leave, I told Metta that I would buy today's issue of Jurnal Bogor to see the announcement of the top candidates on B-Next Generation. I really thought it would be useless to buy one since my name wouldn't be there. Kept thinking, buy anot buy anot, LOL. Well, Metta finally said, "If you're not buying, then my mom would." Ok the sentence really got me convinced to buy muahaha.

Aida and my creepy-candid-expression

Shockingly I saw my face in the newspaper as one of top 30 candidates. I kept thinking, "Why? How can? I got no passion in the last interview, or even looked impolite since I kept playing with my phone... Did they really considering my past records?" I asked Metta's opinions and explained mine. Then I remembered about my previous post about BNext. Muahaha. 

I really thought that I got in because of my nasty post. +Jerry, my teammates, said that they gave us new assignment, "to make blog and write your thoughts honestly". My first thoughts was, "are they inspired by me or what?" muahaha. 

I wrote the post using techniques (see here) to be found easily. Using the right keyword and such. I wrote a lot about B-Next actually, pieces by pieces here and there. But I used techniques not to be found since I know that they're using search engine too. After all the post I hide just containing small pieces of B-Next thingy, mostly my private life.. But when I made the B-Next Generation #2, I really wanted them to read my post because I thought I wouldn't be chosen anymore. Mom taught me, "You can say everything only when you're done and when you finally get out of the circle" She knows that I always want to write or shout anything in my mind and she knows that it would bring me into trouble. Now, they left me with such a mixed feeling lol. Not that I'm feeling guilty. I'm perfectly fine, duh. I just hate how this feeling reminded me to one of my family's issue.

They reminded me how blog connects my family, bit by bit. 

I read somewhere, long before I started blogging, that we can write a private letter to say the unspoken words within the family. Just make a postbox for every family members, then if you have something to say, write a letter for them and send them in to their postbox. I really wanted to use the methods but somehow my mom doesn't write, so does my bro. I don't have much courage to say so, because I know that mom would take it as a stupid ideas. She never believe that sometimes I have issue against her.

Then Bobo, the only magazine that I subscribed till now, shared great info about blog (2007) just when I started to have my first internet connection at home. I tried blogger and every tips that I found to make my "second home" looking better. I mocked my family at first. I felt great when I finally post them and strangers responded. There was a lot of "you can't act like you're the only matters" or "you'll understand when you're already grown up". I didn't take their words seriously. My childish and selfish thought was, "you'll never understand my condition because it feels soooo hellish to be me."

Parents teach me that no one is in charge of my happiness. I'm the only one who will know and care whether I'm feeling happy anot. Parents also give me freedom to make my own happiness too. TOTAL FREEDOM after junior high, and a bit during primary school. I was so young to understand the whole concept. Since she was really busy, she didn't care whether I understand anot. I kept relying on my mom and I thought that "Mom's my only source of happiness." But she tried to build the independent me. She released me, just like that, to learn the concept on my own. That's why I was really mad at her and mocked her the most. I think this also explains why sometimes I look so selfish. I always think that however people see me right now, it is because of me, myself, with no one helps. Parents and society have influenced me a lot but in the end I always fight alone. It's such a wrong way of thinking, I know.

When I finally grown up as a lil more mature than before, I stopped the mocking and started to breathe sarcasms and say things straightforwardly (in polite terms), both in daily life and in my blog's posts. I think its the best way to say my hidden feeling without looking too rude.

I believed my parents never looked into my personal page till my Dad said, "I read your writing. It was about blablabla. Good, you should write a book," in a sarcastic tone. (refer here for the post he read)

I was shocked. But calmly I re-read the whole post and I didn't find anything wrong but blatant truth there. So I didn't delete the post but writing more. I'm back with the ideas of "digital open letter" instead of "old-fashioned private letter" ^^ I even dedicated few of my posts to him, because I know he reads them.

Blog connects my Dad and I. I never talk to him more than 5 minutes on the phone even he always out of town (Mon-Sat). I even tried to make the shortest phone talks ever with him, the record was 17seconds. Somehow I believe that Mom tracks my blog too, not only my SNS accounts. That's good. We only have 2 years between I enter university and leave the town. I really need them to understand me completely so they can trust me and know the motives between my acts.


I believe blog can connect more people, LOL.

Sometimes I try my best to hide some truths on my blogs, but in the other times I even use techniques to make the right person read the post. Well, blogs have been working as my bridge to say the unspoken words and I know that I better watch my words. I really know that.


I will watch my words and keep writing better without losing my styles of course  :P