Coping with Expectation

My first 6 weeks in uni were tough. But it did exceed my expectation of what an International class is.

As I said, the lectures are great. The materials are okay, the tasks are not that tough compared to my high school. I would agree that we have MANY tasks coming our way but seriously, we have plenty of time to finish the tasks. We don't have that many classes and I don't have any extras beside SAT prep. We can learn to manage the time efficiently lah.

So everything seems alright yet I don't feel comfortable. I feel disgusted every time I have to analyze the political issues - now and then - and I don't see my future in this field. I do not want to lie in whatever I do yet in politics, you can't avoid that. You need to protect your country or even your own dignity and life with lies and deceptions.

Then I realized I still have too many things to complain.

The International class was... just as what I expected. I knew the class would turned out much bigger than they promised. I knew the system was not ready for anything that we can call international-standard. I knew the environment was just not international yet. I knew the classroom would be far less than the NUS Business School standard. I knew I would not see SmartBoard installed in each class. I knew I would meet people who get in to this class effortlessly - just like me. I knew that it is harder to fight when take things for granted, feeling that you don't earn it. You simply or even accidentally get it.

I knew I would be disgusted and upset although I already expected the worst.

What I didn't know is that expecting the worst and getting exactly as what you expected still hurt. Call me stupid, dumb, a total moron but I repeated one of my greatest mistakes in life - to believe in public's schools international class. 

Maybe I was just hoping that I would meet great people that could change my life just like in middle school. Maybe I was just too desperate and too lazy to put extra effort to chase my dream. Maybe I thought I was already familiar with the situation and ready to cope. Maybe I did not know how shallow and dumb I was am.

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By today, two lecturers reminded the class about how disrespectful we are. How noisy, ignorant and misbehaved the students are. I am one of the rascal kids that keep myself entertained with 2048 game in class, paying minimum attention to the lectures. I am so disrespectful that I feel all the attitude and manner lesson that I received in high school will go to waste soon.

I am not happy. I am regretting my choice. I regret all the lazy comfy days I spent in high school. I regret that I was not persistent enough in fighting the pressure to go to public school. I was not convincing enough. Yet, what could I have done better when they put the deadly argument that private school is way more expensive and they just can't afford it?