Refleksi Syukur

I received many 'quality' questions these days. While I am trying my best not to sound too philosophical, I actually love to ponder and think about how those questions help me to reflect on the journey that I walked. It gives me a sense of satisfaction telling people how proud I am to come to this stage after making my own choice and living it despite all the storms I had to pass through.

But hey, don't stretch yourself trying to read this wey. God is fair enough not to give me the talent with words so all of this would rather make no sense since I cannot express myself well nor write it beautifully :)))))))

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I am an introvert. I could use this as an excuse but it will not help me in anyway. I remember how I could never stay too far from my mom or my mbak (nanny) up until I was 6 years old. My aunt always said how I would always cry whenever my parents bring me out to shopping mall or other crowded places. I simply hate crowd and people. It's in my blood and unexplainable.

However, I just realized that all this time, I could not rely on anyone either. Not my mbak, parents, aunt. I believe there is no one who will defend me, justify that it is okay to be afraid and outcast myself. My parents are away most of the time and I do not sync with my brother as I prefer talk with much-older people instead. I spent most of my childhood crying over my loneliness and my struggle of standing alone. I remember how this blog was filled with hatred like how I hate my life, the people around me and the reality. One thing that makes me decided that I would never try to end my own life (yes, I thought about the possibility before actually coming to this decision) is the fact that I have to love myself. I realize that my happiness is my own choice, responsibility and obligation.

It was not easy to start living solely on my decision. I once topped all the awards that I could possibly get and had the spotlight of my life. But I was not happy because I did it on purpose. I was craving for attention from particular people. In the end, I received many love and support (more than I could possibly return, I am thankful for that) but never actually got what I wanted.
I once feared to reject my parents' suggestions for the sake of loving them and being a filial daughter. Then I realized it was the worst decision I've made since the things that they assumed would make me happy turned out to be the worst nightmare of my life.
I once followed my dream and refused to listen to anyone. I could finally see how I was truly grateful living life that way although it was not smooth at all. I have had a roller coaster journey on walking down the path I chose.

It took many trial and error, up and down, tears and laughter. I played with my own assumptions, feelings, thoughts, logics and emotions. It took me a long long way to come to a conclusion that I am committed to live my life the way I want it to be.

Now I am living my dream life. I have always wanted to start anew ever since I learned to hate and love. I want to start my blank book, where no one knows me. I want people to judge me for who I am, instead of prejudicing me from where I am coming from or who my parents are. I want people to be friend with me for my personality and the kind of person I am, instead of looking from my achievements or talents.

Now I am living my dream life. Although I needed to go through a self-war, I am contented. I still have yet to get rid of my fear of new people, yet I have to make myself known, build my own networking and establish a certain reputation - all starts by meeting new people. Socializing is very exhausting yet it is a kind of obligation for me to survive, to step out from anyone's shadow and to be that self-made woman I've always dream of.

Now I am living my dream life. To think about how powerful it is, I have no complain. I believe I will experience the pain and the joy equally. I am one in a million who gets chance to be here, grabbing what I've always wanted. I could never adequately express how grateful I am.

I am living my dream life. Now, get yourself to say the same thing.