Words I Want(ed) To Hear

Gue lagi hobi nonton Golden Counseling Center, yang dibintangi dr Oh Eun Young. dr Oh ini psikolog kondang. Spesialisnya nanganin psikologis anak sih, tapi buka konsultasi untuk orang dewasa juga. Long story short, Nam Bora yang punya 12 (?) adik jadi salah satu bintang tamu dan di episode tersebut gue dapet satu lesson penting.

“Think about the words you want to hear the most from your parents when you were young. Try saying it for yourself, instead of waiting for them.” - lesson from Oh Eunyoung

Gue lupa apa yang pengen gue denger saat gue masih kecil.

Good job? No. I know I was doing a great job as a student. As a daughter, maybe not so much. 

"I love you" juga kayanya ngga. Gue rasa gue ga terlalu percaya sama kekuatan kata. I've seen too much lies. 

We are proud of you? Maybe.
At one point, everything I did was meant to impress my parents. Tapi it did not last long. I learned that I wanted attention and even a clean sweep could not bring what I wanted. Acknowledgment, recognition might have been my #1 objective, but it surely did not last long.

I kept thinking about the words I wanted to hear the most. I really could not remember. My closest guess would be "I understand your feelings" and "Ok we support you."

I grew up feeling alone. I grew up thinking that none of my same-age peers understand my feeling. I grew up thinking about the things I should not care about (yet). Worse, I lived in a situation where I could not talk it out, except to my teachers at school. I wanted to be understood. I wanted to be accepted with all my complicated views of life. 

The support thingy...
I have always been given the freedom to decide things in life. Except that it comes with costs. My mom would always question why, what, how. One of the saddest memories I have from my childhood is how my mom objected my desire to join a math competition. She asked what is the point of doing that competition? You win, so what? What does the win mean for you? Is it even worth it? Why do you need to win? Why can't you just study, normally, without going to competitions?

Whenever I wanted something different than what has already been planned,  I would always get the why, what, how questions. I learned critical thinking this way. It was painful. Sometimes, I just need a support with no question.

This remained until pre-Korea. Endless what ifs, why, how. Why do you need to go to Korea? What would you do if you get sick? If you run out of money? What if you... What if Korea degree mean nothing after you graduate? The list goes on. I was ready to answer them all, the instinct of preparing all the answers before even being asked came naturally now.

Thinking about it, my homeroom teacher, Bu Tri Murti, constantly said these words to me. She supports me unconditionally. She makes me feel loved. She might not understand the whole situation, but she understands that I want to be understood. Thanks to her (and other teachers), I slowly learned how to put down the grudge and moved on. 

Do I still want to hear these words now?
I think so, but not from my parents. I think I want to make sure that my partner and my closest friends would be the ones who know how to say it to me.