Masih soal kesibukan, kepadatan agenda di akhir tahun. Gue masih stress dan super tense mengejar target 2024. Disisi lain, kerjaan di kantor juga lagi cukup hectic dan secara sosial, gw lagi intense berkomunikasi dengan teman-teman yang sedang tertimpa musibah. Kemaren, 20 Desember, jadi salah satu peak titik 'lelah' gue.
Tran, teman Vietnam yang punya perasaan sangat sensitif telpon gue, untuk ngomongin masalah dia dan partnernya. Awalnya, dia mau ngobrol pas weekend. I learned to say no, gue lagi punya agenda-agenda penting, kita ngobrol setelah hari Selasa aja. So, we managed to talk on Wednesday. I listened to her story, trying my best to be empathetic. Ga ada paksaan, tapi tentu a conscious effort buat temen yang sangat sensitif hatinya. Tran datang dengan masalah, butuh dukungan moral, ga perlu lah gue menceramahi dengan reality slap atau logical/rational thoughts gue.
Setelah telpon selesai, gue ngobrol via chat sama salah satu teman lama gue. Bermula dari pertanyaan yang dilontarkan Tran yang sensitif tadi soal bagaimana lawan jenis (laki-laki) bertindak, gue jadi merasa intrigued dan mau nanya langsung ke teman laki-laki gue. We had a very deep conversation for a short period of time. This was the beginning of the trigger.
We were talking about maintaining friendship.
Makin tua, circle makin kecil.
Semakin kita sering berpindah-pindah, makin susah nyari yang nyambung.
Gue dah teman lama ini sama-sama punya background kuliah di Korea. Dia lanjut studi ke negara lain, gue pilih karir korporat. Secara lokasi, gue 'kembali' ke Indonesia, dia pindah ke tempat baru. Tapi ada banyak poin dimana gue merasa sangat relate sama dia, karena kita terekspos berbagai budaya dan perspektif. Circle lama sebelum pindah bisa ga nyambung, circle baru pun terlalu dinamis, karena tendensi studi kan pendek masa waktunya. Orang pindah-pindah, antara ditinggalin atau ninggalin.
Gue cerita struggle gue saat ini.
I put so much effort buat maintain friendship and this year, I am being tested.
Gue memilih untuk berusaha menjadi lebih available dan emotionally sensitive untuk teman-teman gue, karena at this stage, an empathetic friend is what they need. Gue gak merubah value atau mengorbankan diri sendiri untuk bisa akomodir teman-teman gue, tapi gue memang harus consciously put effort to provide something that I usually don't (or can't).
It's challenging. I am not naturally sensitive to others' feelings.
I am willing to do so karena gue merasa friendship gue sangat berharga. I am willing to put effort into maintaining it.
Saat ini, strugglenya kerasa banget, karena gue lagi punya prioritas-prioritas lain juga dalam hidup.
Teman gue ini berbagi perspektifnya, kalau dia percaya semua ada masanya. We constantly change, so do our friends. We need to compromise to meet halfway. Prosesnya akan mendewasakan kita. Gue setuju dan gue pun admit gue punya ketakutan kalau suatu hari, gue mungkin outgrow atau gak lagi nyambung dengan orang-orang tersayang gue.
Perbedaan pendapat mulai disini.
For this guy, pertemuan semua ada akhirnya. Kita ketemu orang-orang yang membuat nyaman itu nanti ada perpisahan juga, ntah karena satu pindah, satu masuk ke stage hidup baru, atau hal lain. He believes in fate and destiny. If we were meant to remain friends, we will. This is his way of coping, so he will feel less anxious about losing friends. A sort of coping mechanism to not overthink salahnya dimana.
I said to him I think differently. I believe in fate and destiny too. But constant effort is also needed. Otherwise, every time I argue with my friends or even lover, I'd take it lightly and think "Oh yaudah lah gausah dibawa stress. Kalo takdirnya bareng, bakal tetep bareng dan solve sendiri kok."
Gue nangis saat gue typing respon gue ke dia, dan saat gue type post ini. Gue pikir gue nangis karena gue harus menerima reminder nothing is permanent.
But after our conversation ended as it was getting late on my side and he left to board his flight, I processed it better and found out why I cried. Why his words were triggering me.
I put so much effort into maintaining my friendship with him.
I put conscious effort into accommodating his communication style. Knowing that this guy is a dry texter, I made time to see him whenever I went to Europe. Effortnya both sides. He also put effort into flying to see me somewhere in Europe, not in his current ciountry of residence.
I plan my Europe vacation making sure I will get to see him for a few days.
If I did not do this, I don't think I'd be able to catch up with his latest life stage, his recent wins and his current struggles. Hearing that he already put an undecided end date to our friendship, because he expects we will grow and walk different paths anyway, turned out to be hurtful?
2023 gue belajar buat lebih sabar, lebih sensitif dan gak lari dari perasaan-perasaan ga nyaman yang gue rasain. I feel sad and upset that despite acknowledging that I am a good friend, he (and prolly some friends out there too) cannot notice that it is not a natural thing loh. I was not born this way. I put conscious effort into achieving it.
I guess I feel disappointed that my effort was taken for granted.
I guess what I really want is for my friends to realize that it takes some sacrifice on my side to maintain friendship and I want to be appreciated for it.
He thinks what I am doing for Tran (active listening, trying to be an empathetic friend despite my own issues) is amazing, but does he realize that I put even much greater effort FOR him?
I know this guy well, that I won't bother to communicate my feelings to him.
I am also being considerate not to explode immediately, noticing that he has big stuff going on right now.
I will definitely share my thought process with him later, either when we talk or when we meet. Although honestly, I am not sure what is my objective in sharing my disappointment with him. I clearly do not expect him to change his mind. I am not seeking consolation either.
I am not sure what I want to achieve.
My objective in writing (and publishing) this is very clear tho.
It's a valuable lesson that I want to remember.
It's an important part of my 2023: dealing with unmatched effort in maintaining relationships
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